Lyrics after the jump.

So I got this girl in the sex nid-arena
Getting ready to put my Poke-flue in between her.
First I take it slow bro, you know, play it Tentacool
When I Poliwag my Weedle oh how it makes her drool
I’m hard as a rock, and this girl seems hooked on onix
Cause she puts her Meowth on my Pidgey and takes it like a bong hit
Then she’s starting to Machoke, which isn’t very cool
I don’t want to risk the Chance, see, of being Tentacruel
With the greatest swiftness, I slide off her Kabutop
And make her great paras come unleashed and drop
She’s seaking to be drilled, while I’m hoping she’s infertile
Playing with those jigglypuffs, trying veno-not to Squirtle
I Exegcute that foreplay, and now I’m ready to Cubone
Trying to finish quickly before her Mr. Mime gets home
But she stops before I can start the Manky Panky
And Says “Since I had to Staryu, you have to Starmie”
So since she did me, I guess I have to Ditto
I get down on my knees and pone-eat a Pidgetto
Give her a Slowpoke before I dive into that girl
And attack her cloyster with a full polywhirl
I Lickitung her Lapras, tasting on that Magicarp-et
Hoping she’s not Krabby, that’d be gastly and would make my heart sick
Yes that Persian rug was clef-hairy, but I didn’t really mind
Since I could ring the Victory bell, I was getting some behind
Down there for so long, I came up Koffing and Wheezing
I got her seel of approval though, cause she’s Growlith-ing and breathing
Wanting to gravel her, feeling so sand-shrewd
Give her an electabuzz with my spear-oh too
I’d tell you her name, but don’t think she’s a whore, see?
Not to many get her rapidash, tonight she’s just rhyhorn-y,
So I start Rhydon like the Machamp, feel like I could roar
Going so hard that I probably made her ivy sore
She wanted my Arbok so I gave her gear a dose
Going so hard that her Mew almost tauros
Inside that butterfree, feeling like a charmelon bucks
Constantly Jolteon her from the power of my Psyduck
Now I must have gone and jinxed it, somewhere in the equation
Cause she started getting drowzee during the copulation
I didn’t even notice, I kept going at her Golbat
But then something seemed Oddish when I she started to snorelax
I tried to wake her up, zu-but she was pory-gone
And she’d have to be awake before I’d get my flare on.
Of course I felt gloom, I thought I had been charming’ her
And now I can’t Grime her voltorb or I’ll be harming her
My Dewgong can’t Muk, and if he does it’d be rude
But this is still better then the time I brought home a Geodude
With my pants down and my bell sprouted, I feel I got to doduo
So I Maro-walked into the bathroom, and when I leave, what do I view?
That my girl’s awake again-gar, which seems kind of farfetched
And provoked some Poliwrath at the thought that she fake-slept
I asked her what was wrong, does she not like it when I pinsir?
And she responded with, “Calm down a second, Spencer.
If you think your sex is good, your wrong, if you think your hip, no,
The only thing you’re good at is Nintendo.”
I love this girl a magneton, and hearing that was wiggly tough.
The eevee-ning had started well, but now was turning rough
Told her “Wait a parasect, please stay the omanyte,
You’re my goldeen girl, and if you leave I magne-might
E-raticate my life, cause you are my pharaoh!
It’s to early in the night to give me the kabuto!”
And she says, “Way back when, when I first took a peek at you.
I thought you were kind of cute and that you’d want my mew too.
I felt electrodes in the air when I saw you and you saw me
But that was before I knew your Diglett was so Dragtini!”
I didn’t know the size of my Dodrio mattered, and my god,
Here I thought we were like two Caterpies in a Metapod
I hope the memories of me haunt her, I hope she never leaves her shellder
“I hope you see dra light soon,” I go and I tell her.
“I know you think your hot shit, but I’m actually exegg-cuter.
I’m the omastar, the Kingler, I can find another suitor.
I’m sorry about the time I gave you Wartortles and blisters
Or when I suggested a dugtrio with your sister.
But if you still want go, I won’t beg like our canine.
Golduck with your life, I’m having a Blastoise with mine.”
And that night, Misty left me, I felt so vileplume
I reckons that dragon night was the beginning of the doom
But I guess men are from Magmars women from Venusaur
And every thing tangelable, there’s a reason for
I learned this the next week, when bad news filled the dragonair
My heart got machopped in half like a scyther giving it a tear
A phone call from her mother told me a kakuna in her head
Had attached to her vulpix, and now Misty was dead.
I thought it was a cle-fable that those things were hitmon-lethal
I had heard eight or ninetales about gol-them from different people
But I still couldn’t believe it, I started weepin, belting out tears
Cuts and slashes vaporeonizing all of our years
It was like Riach-uno, Zap-dos, Mol-tres, and she’s gone
And I can’t abra kadabra with some magic wand
No alacazam and she reappears, I feel like a primeape
They could have caught the growth but the Kangascans came back to late
I pidgey-ought to have known better, but the news was quite charz-hard
My heart felt bulba-sore, was permanently scarred
She was my Nidoqueen, I should not have nido-ran
I wanted to be her Nidoking, but I felt more like a hitman-chan
If I hadn’t nidoran, would she still be with us?
Or is my poke-love just to damn venomoth?
Insides numb like the artic, you know that feeling
A gun ratatta-ed my heart and I’m just waiting for the healing
But I don’t regret getting hit with cupid’s arrow-dact-all
Relationships are like pokemon, you gotta catch em’ all.

Nidarino.

By Brandon Daley

Fun and fitness, whowouldathunkit? The Wii Fit is coming out 5/21/2008 and I can’t wait to get all up on one. The game will come with the The Wii Balance Board. “It can read your real-life movements and bring them to life on screen, just like the Wii Remote™ controller. Realistically snowboard down a mountain or walk a tight rope—it’s just one more way to get into the game.” [Nintendo]

There will be four modes to the game, yoga, balance games, strength training, and aerobics. It will track your progress and all that good stuff. Can this be the biggest video game fitness breakthrough since DDR? I sure hope so because I want to lose my chubs, and I ain’t doing it the old fashion way.

Not only does this table look really awesome, it flips open to allow ample storage space and it is an actual functioning controller too! Kyle Downes shows us how he created this with videos and more photos in his blog.

The Xbo360′s Live Arcade has been flourishing since 2004. Big hitters on the service include the hugely successful (and addictive) Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, RezHD, Beautiful Katamari and Super Puzzle Fighter II HD Remix. Though most of the games found on the service are hits from back in the day, they’re always given the touch-up treatment. HD Resolutions, brighter colors, Surround Sound, and what not. And I can’t forget to mention the awesome game demos. I’ve been sold on Devil May Cry 4 via the demo. The service also includes a number of releases from smaller developers as well as those from the big boys. Most anticipated future release on Live Arcade: Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix.

Do Want.

Sony’s Playstation Network isn’t currently very strong, but it has some potentinal. It started off with a bang when the system released last year in the form of Tekken 5: Dark Ressurection, the formerly arcade only update to Namco’s major fighting game. Tekken 5: DR not only included higher resoultions, but for the first time in the fighting series: Online play. After Tekken the PSN sort of went stale for a year or so. Now with the growing popularity of the PSP the PSN is starting to shine. Downloadable demos, full versions of games for the PSP and PS1 (playable on the PSP), and lots of extra content. Sony will also be launching an MMO Interface known as Home where users can create avatars to interact and chat with others online. Not so excited about that, but it could be interesting. Not much info is known as to whether Sony will allow unique creations from Indie developers to be downloaded from their service, but here’s hoping! Most anticipated: Well… I would say Tekken 5: DR as I don’t own a PS3 yet, but Tekken 6 will be out eventually anyway.

Third Life?

Nintendo is also in the mix with WiiWare and the Virtual Console. Though I’m very supportive of Nintendo, I’m a little concerned about the paltry 512MB of built-in memory included with each Wii. SD Cards For The Win? Regardless, I am pretty excited for a lot of games coming out for WiiWare. The Virtual Console has been a huge success for Nintendo, with two systems added since the service’s launch (Neo-Geo and the Sega Master System) and hundreds of games spanning the last 20+ years of gaming. WiiWare is Nintendo’s Indie games service that allows developers large and small to design and distribute any kind of game they please. Square Enix will be in on the ground floor with the release of Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles: My Life as King. Nintendo itself will release a graphically updated Dr. Mario and a DS-Connective Pokemon Ranch. Nintendo has stated that developers are free to make their games as large as they like, free to use motion and/or IR-Controls, the Classic Controller, or the Gamecube Controller, and free to charge whatever they like. The game I’m most excited about here: Defend Your Castle [Video]

Being a King is pretty damn expensive.

While these services all sound great they are pretty pricey. Prices run the gamut and some are a little too much if you ask me ($15 for FF: CC? Ew.) All of the services also include Downloadable Content (DLC), which will only add to the costs ($3/ea to unlock all the races in FF:CC? Mega ew.) It’s definitely a new era of gaming. The future is scaaaary. [Peace-]

According to TheSims3.com more information is coming soon! March 19, 2008 in fact. Now what can this be? It’s pretty much a done deal that there will be a The Sims 3 game, released in the 2009 fiscal year. But nonetheless I am extremely excited to get a taste of what I will inevitably be spending hours and hours of my life playing, simulating my real life.

I will recreate my friends, family, and our abodes in painstaking detail and live vicariously through it with great joy and delight! The Sims franchise has been a heavy hitter for EA, the best-selling PC series in the world. I heard that they’ve got The Sims 4 planned out too, not to mention the gazillions of expansion packs.

Oh noes!

The reviews were already set in stone about a year ago when Nintendo announced Sonic and Solid Snake would be in the game and that over 60 famous video game music composers would be contributing to the game’s 1.2GB soundtrack. I’d be very shocked to see anything less than a 9.5 out of 10 or the equivalent. Which is a shame because the way I see it, the reviewers are just giving a score to the hype and not to the game. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Smash Bros series. Until recently I’ve always found the game to be nothing more than an amusing button masher, but I’ve been playing Smash Bros Melee quite a lot with my friends in Japan. I’ve learned how to do Smash Moves, block properly, roll-dodge past an opponent and I’ve developed an eagle eye of precision when it comes to throwing items. The game has immense depth. I was always in love with the trophy collecting (and now stickers and CDs). I could read through the museum collection for hours and be satisfied. I love the nostalgia evoking stages and items.

My one problem with Smash Bros, and especially Brawl, is the characters. They are what make the game. It is essentially a fighting game, albeit a platform-adventure-fighting hybrid game. I thought they’d fix them in Brawl. I thought each character would be unique and interesting. But sadly I am greatly disappointed. Why clone move sets? Why have TWO clones of Fox? Why make a clone of Ness that is far superior to him in every way thus making Ness useless? It reeks of laziness on the developers part, which really is a shame considering the amount of fantastic depth the rest of the game has. It’s as if after completing Subspace Emissary, the graphics, the music, the collections, and minigames, the developers completely forget about the brawlers themselves. I’m throwing my own two cents in here, but I and my friends all agree that some of the characters are just plain terrible and we would never voluntarily choose them. If you add those together with the clones that’s nearly half of the characters. In my opinion the characters should have come first. Each should have been fully unique, especially their ultra-hyped Final Smash moves.

Do Want

My next gripe concerning the characters involves the fighting mechanics. I have issues being forced to use an analog stick in a fighting game. I’m glad this version allows you to switch off tilting up on the stick to jump, but why not let me map all movement to the D-Pad? I believe the Classic Controller is the superior controller for all fighting games on the Wii and Smash is no exception. But still, thanks to the analog stick its as if my characters are always on ice. Slipping and sliding around the stages. I know it’s a quirk of the game and it does make things fun, but when you’re trying to grab a much needed item or move in for a devastating grab or attack only to have your character fly by your target, it really gets annoying. Don’t even get me started on stage related deaths due to wonky controls. We could make Tony Soprano cry with the amount of terrible words that come out of our mouths when that happens.

There can only be one

My final problem with Smash Bros Brawl is not the game’s fault. This is a problem with the Wii in general. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge supporter of the Wii if only because I enjoy seeing the underdog take down the big boys. However, Nintendo is not at all taking advantage of their position at the top. They did it so right this time. Awesome hardware, awesome controllers, large disc space, incredible backwards compatibility and wireless internet in every machine. But why are there still only very few great games for the Wii? Why are the AAA titles being churned out at a rate of one per every six months? (And for myself personally: Why oh why aren’t there more J-RPGS!?) This isn’t the Gamecube.

And why is the internet scheme so terrible? Why the friend codes? Why the lack of voice chat and even text chat? Smash Bros Brawl online seems to work great technically. Lag free and quick load times. But the only means of communication with your opponent are the four directions on the D-Pad, which when pressed bring up small text bubbles that say things like “Hello!” … Online games for x486 machines 20 years ago had more indepth communication tools. This is just sad. And the same fate is going to plague Mario Kart Wii as well. And probably every other Wii game that’s going to have online capabilities. I’m just hoping Nintendo’s new “Pay and Play” service is exactly what I think it will be. An online service in the same catagory as Xbox Live. Monthly charges, real friends lists, and real communication.

So yes, I think Smash Bros Brawl is a great, highly entertaining game. I’m not going to delve into all the things that are right with it because you can search for that on Google and get 15 million hits. I don’t think its perfect at all, and won’t until the characters are designed better. But I will own a copy of the game, enjoy all the great parts and continue to complain about the annoying parts.

You tell ‘em Lucas.

Until I get settled down here I’ll just throw up some quick info.

- I’ve been recently obsessed with Smash Bros Brawl for the Nintendo Wii. My friend next door has a Japanese Wii and a copy of the game. Three of us play nightly and have racked up a good 45 hours already. I won’t say if it’s worth the never-ending, ginormous hype or not, but I will say that it’s been hacked good.
[Source: YouTube]

- Oh noes! A bit of a shock here, mega-publisher Ziff Davis has filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. They’re the ones responsible for gaming mags such as EGM, Games for Windows, and 1up.com. [Source: Bloomberg]

- EA’s got The Sims 3 in the works. I’ll continue to put on my hardcore gamer front and pretend I don’t care, while the casual gamer inside of me does a jigg. [Source: EA.com]

- Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles: Rings of Fate has a very long title for a tiny DS game, but apparently its heart is in the right place. Pick up a copy when it lands on March 11th. [IGN Review]

- I’m not shy about saying that the Phoenix Wright trilogy is one of the best trilogy of games ever created, and I’m also not shy about saying that the, some-what, 4th installment of the series is out and that you should immedietly go and purchase it. While it is a direct sequel, it takes place many years later and revolves around a new protagonist so you don’t have to feel obligated to have played the original three to enjoy [Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney]

That’s all for now. Just trying to get a feel for this site. I’ll come back later with MOAR.